“Lets face our fears… ” Gene Hackman, Jimmy McGinty, thundered… the lesser\verbal souls started with their fear of the earthworms, and then Keanu Reaves, Shane Falco, realized what were his fears and what did the writer implied and director meant and Hackman raked, the game was won that very moment… I don’t think he cared little about what this meant to the pedestrians like me, but beautiful scene.. go watch The Replacements.. but ok first finish off reading this post..
So why do I bring Falco and McGinty out of the reel, simple.. everyone has fears and the best way to overcome those is to face them, not hide them or to run away from them… ok I am not responsible for any misinterpretations here.. if you are afraid of jumping from a building, don’t try jumping, the fears are going to come true.. aah so much for the lesser mortals.. coming back to the topic at hand.. so face the fears, never going near the parapet is not going to help. Try going and standing there, not on it, and face the fear.. after the initial tickle in the tummy, it will settle down.. 5 10 mins, you will realize that you have learnt how to face your fears.. trust me it helps.. I did… helped.. so what do I imply here..
Faced my worst kept fear few days back, 2 to be exact.. yes I was dead scared of facing it, it was better to elope or avoid rather than to face it.. was simpler.. you see it chicken out.. get away .. don’t face it.. you never know what the mortal brain thinks of in such situations, so what is the best way out.. run away from it.. work to your best not to ever face the situation.. aah .. man I can still feel the sweat running when I talk of it.. so lets face it..
So finally I happened last weekend.. Just 2 days back… Friday night to be precise.. no the Friday nights are no more ending on a high, or shall I say low of some corner of the house, but instead, they end more on a sober note, working or else watching some movie.. ok lets face it .. more moronic types.. freaking Fridays man all I do is work or watch a movie.. god damn it…
So here I was this Friday, back from work, was wondering about the last notes from the meeting which happened over most part of the day, preparing mental notes for the Saturdays meeting, what all can be given to drive it through.. ok so lets face it I work on Saturdays also .. so here I was back home, with my regular glass of milkshake… looking at the folks cycling around in the complex.. cycle is also an amazing thing, it is so much like a software project.. you have two wheels, lets call them the working team members, then there are the spokes in the chain, the filler team members, and then you have the brakes, the pushing back team members, the good for nothing souls, (again these are my personal views, no offences, and if you take one, least do I care.. ) so here we have the whole project setup, now the manager is the guy who rides it and gives direction, (the analogy is kinda deviating here.. no worries… ideal world scenario…) and the road is the project requirements, process of reaching destination is the project execution… so here is how it all works the manager rides the project, keeps on kicking the fillers in the team, who make the workers in the team work even harders.. poor tyres they take you to the destination and are least cared for.. one day they will go to new set of cycle.. aameen.. so the manger sets the execution in motion, little does he know how the overall thing works, was taught in his earlier years that once you kick or pedal, the whole thing works… bless the tyres, he doesn’t fall all the time.. sometime the tyre develops a mind of its own.. leaves the project in between.. we are talking punctures… sometimes they are the MTB ones, will work in all conditions, so here is all.. manager.. riding the project, fillers filling in, tyres slogging it out and then you have the brakes, why do you need to have them.. hmm well they save the whole project and the tyres from going extra fast.. come on the speed limits needs to be followed.. bless the brakes.. so coming to the road..aka requirements.. sometimes they are straight, or else they look straight.. well the rider thinks everything in the world is a straight line.. bless the rider.. so when the roads tip and turn and the rider still goes in the straight line, the tyres try hard to come out of the situation, but comeon they don’t have the overall control.. so many a times, the project, or cycle, goes out of track.. sometimes the thing may fall also.. aah it was just for the roads or else we had the perfect rider.. wasn’t he going straight always.. wasn’t he supposed to reach the destination, wasn’t he made to lead.. it was just for the road.. bad road.. now you might ask how does the client, senior management all fit in.. ok client is the person at the destination who is awaiting eagerly for the cycle to arrive. Senior management are the folks on the sidelines (10th floor of the building on the other street) who see all the hullabaloo happening, but sill appreciate the rider.. he rides.. hehehe.. so how do they know whether the cycle is going in the right direction, come on do you still think they know.. grow up kids.. so this is overall software engineering for you… so much from the kids cycling, and they still do make us write certifications to understand software engineering… all they needed was to make people look at others cycling.. much ado about nothing..
Coming back to my fear tale.. so there I was Friday evening, looking at the kids on the cycle.. whole software engineering was right in front of my eyes.. so with all so occupied brain I thought of taking a break.. ok I had another important discussion to attend in the next 2 hrs, so the break needed to be quick.. would have hated to break the break.. so like every other Indian living on the fine coasts of US I decided to go to Walmart.. ok so on the records, every Indian can be seen once in a week at either of these 2 places, hindu center or Walmart. I count ABC out now as I don’t frequent there any more.. so 2.. what is so great about walmart.. well they do sell things cheaper.. ya of coz cheaper than the others.. and being Indians we have all the right to save that extra penny.. a penny here a penny there.. sometime it will make a dollar.. a dollar here a dollar there.. will make 2.. ok I cannot keep on counting like this.. in a nutshell a lot of money.. so this explains our love for walmart.. so walmart it was..
So me and my room mate rode our brand new 2004 made car.. ok for the confused any car which an Indian buys in US is a brand new car.. the make is the unimportant year which the manufacturers tag to it while making it .. not all that important.. ever seen an Indian selling a car here.. it is a brand new accord.. yes 98 made.. brand new.. drives better than a new one.. Honda has degraded now.. the real cars were made in 98.. after that everything is fake.. huh.. bless them.. so here we were on our ride.. the scenic drive to Walmart took us around 20 minutes.. now am still to come to terms with why have they made interstates in phoenix, if every interstate crosses on some corner of the city and you et to drive a lot on the state roads, then why to have them at all.. lets go ahead and break them.. will create employment.. aah lets not go there.. so in a nutshell we drove to walmart..
There it was right in front of us,
So we start our crusade, first we go to the vegetable corner.. now we need to look like real shoppers so we look at the vegetables real closely, there was an Indian couple playing with the cauliflower… the way they were checking the cauliflower made me wonder whether they will ever slit it open and burn it on fire.. oh man so much care and concern for something which you gonna cut to pieces and gobble with a pinch of salt and spices.. someday I will start a company which will specialize in vegetable freshness reliability.. someday.. for now we went ahead to the chicken corner.. being the bird killer I am(changed from chick killer for obvious reasons)… I kind of feel at home there.. so many packets of different chicken parts.. all colors all flavors.. this graveyard of the most amazing bird of the century gave me a strange pleasure.. so we picked up packets.. from here there everywhere.. GET IT BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE GETS IT…. THIS WAS THE LAST BIRD THERE… lol.. we stacked the cart with a lot of these packets… so we moved on.. now to the juices section.. aah they taste so sweet.. I never how orange juice tasted till 10 months back, I always thought it to be bitter sweet.. little did I realize that the Smirnoff used to be stronger.. laters.. old days.. so we do our juice quenching.. and move on… suddenly my room mate realized that he had left his favorite juice behind… how can he not buy Welch.. man the company gonna close on loosing this brand ambassador of theirs.. what are the folks gonna say.. YOU DON’T HAVE WELCH…. There he went running back.. now being the lazy gun I am, after a lot of thinking I decided not to go behind him, hehe who wants to walk the extra 10 paces.. so I moved on trusting my roomies direction finding capabilities..
And there it happened.. I just crossed the second aisle and there it happened.. was walking from south to the north side of the 8th aisle from the south east corner of the store, towards the soda section.. and there SHE WAS… man I have dreaded all these months for this very given moment.. how many times I have had nightmares in the last some months, depicting the exact same situation.. I would be there and she will be there right in front of me.. I never wanted to face her again in my life, I never wanted to face her again.. and yes here it happened she was right there, right in front of me … staring at me.. eyes met.. yes she was the one.. my eyes were not playing any games on me.. my heart skipped a beat, 2 or 3 or I don’t know how many but ya something was happening to it.. I could feel it..
MY FEARS, MY WORST NIGHTMARE was right in front of me.. I dreaded her..
The first instinct was to turn back and run away.. run right out of WalMart, run right into the streets, race with the cars on the street, reach home, close the doors and the windows… get away from her as far as possible.. so much was I engrossed with these thoughts that I never realized I was staring blankly at her.. now one problem leads to another.. wasn’t facing her in the first place not enough that the second problem of standing here and looking at her blankly for last few minutes also came up.. what will she say .. after all these months we have met.. that too in walmart and all I am doing is looking at her with those strange thoughts.. why was she here.. o god why did I come to Walmart, worst why did I come to phoenix, why did my meetings gave me an hours break.. why..
Looking at her I never realized how and when I went back to lanes of memories.. when was the last we had met.. when was the last we were with each other.. when was the last when we had talked .. when was the last I looking at her with those doting eyes, when was the last I held her.. when was the last…beep beep beep beep.. (parental guidance advised..) and after all these months we meet up again.. was it necessary god, weren’t all the adventures or misadventures of last time around were enough.. why again.. why again at this juncture of life when I have almost forgotten about her.. why has she come back.. why did we meet..
Somewhere a part of me was asking me to get away from her, somewhere the other part of me didn’t want to go.. did I want her now also.. not after all this.. I convinced myself into believing it wasn’t worth it.. it was all a mistake a simple and literal bad choice.. people make mistakes, the smart few correct those and move on.. I was smart till date, and here I was facing her…was I missing her.. was I craving for her.. those amazing eyes, those mesmerizing eyes.. god I wanted to look at them for my whole life, and the same eyes were terrorizing me..
I started thinking of old times, when we were together, after work every day I used to meet up with her at some preagreed place.. and what heck of a time we used to have .. atleast am sure of myself.. I always thought the same about her also… those evenings, sitting under the sky, talking about zillion things .. so many zillion things.. right from her neck to my pony.. I used to turn into a talker in her presence.. she was so very special for me.. so very special.. like a school going kid I used to be happy on her possession, having little idea about what she was upto..
The question came again.. can I once again.. after all these months shall i.. I knew my family, friends are going to hate me for the same, a mistake committed twice doesn’t qualify being a mistake.. blunder twice.. ever heard of it.. and strange was the struggle between the head and the heart.. she blew it up for me…. But I always wanted her didn’t i.. didn’t I always knew at the back of my head that its gonna end this way, then why the blame.. why the surprise.. but I wanted her .. didn’t I .. what about what I wanted.. wasn’t that important..
And there I was watching her from those close quarters.. ainna she beautiful.. yes she is .. so there I was with this battle of head and heart going through my head, never realized that my incite was ringing big time.. ye jamin ruk jaaye.. aasman jhuk jaae.. tera chehra jab nazar aae.. so apt so bloody apt..
I had to make a decision, and had to make it quick.. there she was right in front of me.. give in to love, call it lust, but I call it love.. shall I .. shall I give in to her.. n donno how I started walking towards her.. she was shocked.. standing still looking at me approaching towards her.. why isn’t she moving.. why isn’t she going away.. pls. go away.. few strides and I was holding distance.. man I could feel my pulse going up.. she was right in my breathing distance.. she could feel my breath.. yes she could.. from so close you can.. why wasn’t she moving…
I tried telling me again in my head, no not again.. don’t do it …you don’t her again in your life.. but the heart developed a mind of its own.. I extended my hand towards her.. move run away .. go .. pls.. she didn’t.. touched her head.. man trust me nothing could have felt better than touching her head again after so many months.. I never thought we would ever meet again in life and here I was with my again holding her.. I held her again.. yes I was holding her again.. once again.. oh god.. stop me .. tell me its another of those nightmare, she didn’t exist there.. there was no Walmart there, pls. … but that wasn’t to be…
Holding her I brought her closer.. yes I could smell her, that smell of a perfection, I wanted to carry that smell on me forever.. I was missing all those nights we had spent together.. her smiles.. her small talks.. everything.. shall I take her back.. I know I can afford.. well I always thought I could.. her meeting up again cant be a coincidence.. remember the scene from Gulaal, I was behaving in almost the same fashion, I was not ready to appreciate the truth.. she wasn’t worth it.. come on man grow up.. these things are not that very simple. Leave her move on.. the head says, heart gives no ear..
And then it happened… I brought her close to my face.. centimeters apart.. man she looked so beautiful from that close.. and then I said what I had been dieing to do from that long.. “B**** NOT AGAIN….”
I kept the Jack Daniels bottle back on the shelf and moved to the billing counter for checking out, I had conquered my fear, not again.. Good Bye No. 7 for GOOD.
Dunno if you realized or not but this one was metaphorically superb "watching her from those close 'quarters'"...
ReplyDeleteIts such quarters that make the true spirit of mankind...